“I will never forget my strangest experience as a pizza delivery driver. It was while driving for Domino’s Pizza in Dayton, Ohio, back in 1980, when Domino’s still had the ’30 Minutes or Free’; guarantee.
This was such a stupid policy. If your Domino’s pizza wasn’t at your door within 30 minutes of placing the order by phone, then the pizza was totally FREE. So, the nearby college kids would all call at the same time, ensuring many of the pizzas would be delivered well beyond the half-hour mark.
Since drivers got no tips on a free pizza, they would drive like bats out of the heck to beat the clock. Hardly safe. That’s why Domino’s modified the policy to $3.00 off at some point. But not the night of my fateful delivery; this was my last delivery of three different houses, and I only had five minutes left before losing my tip.
This was also one really weird pizza …double meat on the whole pie and NO cheese. Apparently, the customer was lactose intolerant but didn’t mind high cholesterol.
I parked my car, ran up to the address, then stopped abruptly outside a tall wooden fence with a prominent sign that read, ‘Beware of Dog.’ Suddenly, the front door of the house inside the fence opened and an enormous adult black Doberman walked onto the porch. He then stood and didn’t move. Neither did I. Then the door opened again and an extremely large dude with bulging arms came outside and petted the dog on the head.
‘It’s okay, man,’ the man said. ‘The doggie won’t hurt you. Come on in.’
Now common sense should have screamed in my ear, ‘Forget the tip. Tell the guy that company policy forbids you from going inside that gate. Let the guy walk across the yard and retrieve his free pizza and be on your way in one piece.’
But somewhere inside of me, a bolt of bravery made me open the gate and begin briskly walking up to the porch, just ahead of my 30-minute deadline. When I was over halfway to the porch, I stopped once more dead in my tracks as the door opened again. This time, another enormous black adult Doberman stepped outside onto the porch on the other side of the man. I realized at that moment, that what I had felt earlier was not bravery; it was actually colossal stupidity. Before I pooped my pants, the guy said, ‘You’re fine. Just keep walking.’
Clearly, this guy was enjoying the situation far too much.
I slowly climbed the three steps of the porch and handed the pizza box to the man.
‘That will be eighteen dollars, please,’ I managed to speak. I was prepared to hear him claim the pizza was late and should be free. Instead, the guy handed me a twenty-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill.
‘Keep the change, Little Brother,’ the guy said, a smile on his face. I remember thinking it would be a nice tip if I lived to spend it. That was a lot of money in 1980 for both the pizza and the tip.
As I turned and retreated quickly down the steps and across the yard, I noticed the guy had opened the pizza box and placed it on the ground between the two Dobermans. Then he went into the house. Once outside the gate, I turned and looked on the porch. Neither dog had moved an inch. The guy then returned and opened the door, carrying a large plate. He bent down and pulled several pieces of pizza onto the plate. As he stood up, he saw me and waved. I waved back, and the guy disappeared inside the door. Meanwhile, neither dog had moved. Suddenly, I heard the guy inside the house say something, some kind of command. I didn’t understand it, but the dogs certainly did. They immediately converged on the pizza box and totally devoured the remaining pizza slices in what seemed like only seconds. The Doberman who finished eating first looked up from the pizza box; he noticed me still standing outside the gate of the house. I decided it was time to leave immediately.
I returned to the Domino’s store in one piece and with clean underwear. Nevertheless, I told the store manager that I would not make further deliveries to that particular address. The one experience had been quite sufficient for a lifetime.”
